It's
03h00. The cocks are crowing. The smell of the morning is in the air.
Soon the east will turn grey and then golden with the sun's rays.
I have been sitting here. Trying not to
think. Shutting my mind down. But memories are like dark waves. They
push. And press hard. The mental doors give in. They crash. Flinging
open with a loud clanging sound.
For me that loud clanging sound triggers
headaches. These heavy thuds on the roof of my head. Like there a
thousand wild horses racing across a desolate valley.
With a weakened mind, one cannot fight
back. So in the middle of the night, I shrink as the hooves trample
over me. Squashing me into a bloodied gob.
I am pummeled from all directions. And
the voices come. Whispers at first. Like a million insects moving in
one motion. Then as the whispers thicken, they become one voice.
Hoarse. Agonised. Pleading.
Why, the voice asks. Why?
I shrink further.
We were friends. We walked the same path
from the same school. We agreed that you would cover my back. And I
your back.
Closing my eyes, I shout back.
“Shut
up! Shut up!”
Had it been in the early days, the voice
would have shut down. Disappeared. But over the years, it has grown
determined. Brave. Antagonistic even.
So it answers back: It should not have
been you? You my friend. You knew what happened. You were there. Yet,
you did not tell the truth.
“It
had to be one of us. Either you. Or me. There were only two choices.
You. Or me. I chose you. I saved myself.”
Silence. But again the horses return.
Thundering and tearing away across the desolate, empty valley. The
whispers withdrew. Take a distance. Become indistinct. But still
threatening to meld into one angry voice.
I fought hard to survive the horses.
Stilling myself. Telling myself that the horses can run over me but
never flatten me.
The fight is repeated until dawn breaks.
And I stagger out of bed to take a shower. The bags under my eyes
seem to be growing heavier and bigger. My eyes are bloodshot.